Apple Watches went on sale a few days ago, and the latest offering from the folks who brought us the iPhone is already sold out. I did not and will not be purchasing one, but I decided to take a moment to decide what my life would be like if I spent a day with my phone strapped to my arm:

7:30 a.m. – I wake up to a buzz on my arm. Yes, I slept in my watch. I spent $550 on this thing and it is not leaving my body. This seems like an efficient way to set an alarm, way better than waking up to, say, another human being or something like that. Humans don’t tell me how many iMessages I have.

8:00 a.m. – I’m still in bed, staring at my left arm, reading texts and emails. I realize I am going to be late to work, because I am wearing my new watch. A watch that makes you late! What a world we live in.

8:30 a.m. – I’m driving to work when my arm buzzes again. An email. I sideswipe a Corolla when I jerk my arm up, steering wheel still in hand, to read it.

10:00 a.m. – Police reports filed, I arrive at work and ask my watch to find a reliable body shop. This thing is so convenient!

12:15 p.m. – At lunch, a stranger asks me what time it is. Reading a text from my mom, I accidentally tell him I love him. He is visibly confused.

2:00 p.m. – I begin to imagine vibrations on my wrist. Is this what it’s like to have a phantom limb?

3:30 p.m. – I have played with my watch so much that the battery has died. I’m currently sitting charging it in the corner of the office on the floor, by the trash can. It’s great because I get to talk to people when they throw away their coffee cups. I love technology’s ability to foster connections.

5:00 p.m. – It’s time to go home. I know this because I’m wearing my new watch.

6:30 p.m. – The calendar on my watch reminds me I’m supposed to have dinner with an old friend in half an hour. I cancel so I can finish downloading new apps.

7:45 p.m. – I watch Game of Thrones on my watch while using the bathroom. I couldn’t really see what happened but I bet it was exciting.